AN ULSTER MAN
I'm an Ulster man no a Billy or a Tim
Dinnae ken where am gon, dinnae ken where av bin
A micht o came here bi boat, a ken a cannae swim
Ma kilts a hielin tartan, ma flute is made o tin
Foucht wae Mick an foucht wae Pat
Foucht wae tam an billy
Woucht up in the mournin licht
An thoucht, ye ken wir awfu silly
He's git nicht an av git nicht
An wiv aw git nicht between us
But the life thit's in oor bodies
The gid Lord he has gien us
The battle rages roon us
Wir fawin wan bi wan
Sometimes in oor thoosan's
Hi's naebidy git a plan
Thir's weans an wuman screamin
Fae thir side an fae oors
Thir poor wee herts ur breakin
As thir layin doon the flooers
The field is fu o poppies
Jist the memories remain
O pipes an drums n muskitt's
An the die'n an the pain
Where hiv aw the young men gan
Will we see thir likes again
As the auld men gether roon the graves
They shake thir heids
They ken wee'l dae this aw again
THE WEDDING PARTY
A pea fell aff a plate and sealed a couples fate
A man bent doon tae pick it up and bumped a woman wae a cup
The hot tea spilt oan the wee man's lap
And he turned and gied the woman an awfae slap
Aw wait a minute! the womans big man hud tae staun his groon
He picked the wee man up above his hied an spun him roon
The wee mans wife shouted, hey you! put him doon!
The big man did oblige and dumped the wee man oan a plate o pies
The pies splattered through the air and some landed in the bridesmaids hair
The bride looked on with much disgust
Then a pie disappeared right doon her bust
She jumped up and ran aboot
Then the bestman tried tae get it oot the bridegroom punched the bestman oan the nose
The bestmans maw jumped on the bridegrooms toes
And so on and on this story goes
Then some smart alec haulf fu o wine, dialed up 999
The first tae arrive wis the fire brigade
Then the ambulance tae gie first aid
The polis arrived in bullit prove vests
And started oot tae make arrests
The bride and groom wir both handcuffed
The meenistir wis no the least bit chuffed
He thocht he died and went tae hell when he woke up in a polis cell
The magistrate was fair astound as the evidence before him was unwound
Ah cannae belive this sorry state started because a wee pea fell aff a plate.
